He needed to break things off with her, but how? Of late, they hadn’t been seeing much of each other, but they’d been together almost four years, even longer in a way, depending on how you looked at it. Their affair began after they bumped into each other not long after they arrived at Traven as graduate students. They knew each other slightly but intimately from a one-night stand years before, when they were undergraduates at Mt. Belle. They didn’t talk a lot then, and Nick suspected she had sought him out for the purpose of being relieved of her virginity. It wouldn’t have been the first time that kind of thing happened.

Girls were attracted to Nick, and it wasn’t because he was a popular jock, a notable wit, or even particularly outgoing. He was just a regular guy, and therein lay his charm. The most unusual about him was that he wasn’t unusual at all. He was good-looking enough and intelligent enough, but not excessively so, not egregiously so. Other guys worked at being someone they weren’t, someone they wanted to be, or thought they should be, but he was just himself, and that made him comfortable to be around.

Nick’s liaisons weren’t like the conquests his frat brothers boasted about. He didn’t think of them as conquests at all. They were the result of two parties deciding to get to know each other more intimately, with their bodies rather than words. More than that brief but exquisite moment of ecstasy he relished the feeling of merging with another being. He delighted in the warmth of a tender smile, the electric feel of another’s bare skin against his, the first taste of the lips of someone he was just getting to know, and the sight of a lover lost in sleep or opening her eyes to a new day. Nick didn’t seek deep relationships, and neither did his partners. He was a safe, reliable fellow a girl could relax with if she was feeling lonely or unloved. If Caroline chose him to initiate her into the secrets of sex, he was happy to help. He was a gentle lover, motivated by sensuality, not ego.

The first few semesters of his undergraduate career slipped away pleasantly in a haze of sensual bliss, but anyone who constantly handles roses will occasionally feel the prick of a thorn. His routine hit a bump when he was diagnosed with an STD. Even though it was treated quickly and successfully, the experience changed him. He’d believed the condoms he used fully protected him, but if he could get chlamydia, couldn’t he just as easily get HIV or impregnate his partner? It wasn’t only a matter of what might occur, but what had already occurred. The doctor said it was likely he’d been infected for weeks before his symptoms appeared, and in a panic, he started tracking down his past partners to inform them. The sexual encounters he had once taken so lightly started to feel more consequential.

Chlamydia wasn’t the only check on Nick’s libertine ways. His casual sexual encounters usually resulted in long-lasting friendships in which the former lovers regarded each other almost like family members, but there were a few times when things got out of hand and a carefree fling became more complicated, and there were expectations which he couldn’t meet. While those sticky situations eventually worked themselves out, they made him more wary of entanglements. Meanwhile, his parents were starting to badger him about his less than stellar grades. In addition, once he completed his core requirements and was able to enroll in electives, he became more engrossed in his classes and his habits changed. He began spending less time on the extracurricular activities which once consumed most of his time and energy and focused more on his studies.

Nick found all the classes took in the Spring semester of his sophomore year worthwhile, but the one he was most excited by was an intro to cultural anthropology. Studying exotic peoples with such different ways of seeing and acting in the world was in itself fascinating, but the insights he gained about his own society and how he fit into it were life-changing. He fantasized about leaving everything behind and spending a year or two with a primitive tribe somewhere on the other side of the globe. The following semester, he took a class called Stalking the Worldly Philosophers, because a basic understanding of economics was necessary to study a society. Right from the start, he knew economics was the field for him. It was more disciplined and grounded in data than anthropology and other social sciences, but not as devoid of the human element as the hard sciences. By the time he graduated, his grades had improved sufficiently to earn him not only acceptance but an assistantship at Traven. Having sown his fair share of wild oats as an undergrad, he settled into a routine of serious scholarship as a graduate student.

Caroline was at least as serious about her studies as Nick, maybe more so. Her field was biology, and she practically lived in the lab. Not much of a conversationalist, she cared little about any topic outside of the natural sciences. Small talk was a language she’d never learned, and she had no interest in cultivating the social graces. When she walked down the street, she didn’t turn heads. Her clothing was plain if not downright frumpy, her hair lusterless, and her face, a white mask without a trace of color, was memorable only for the large, unstylish eyeglasses she wore. Few would describe her as attractive. She was shy and soft-spoken, and had a habit of looking down at her feet when someone spoke to her.

Nick remembered all these things about her, and how, unlike other girls he knew who took great pains to make themselves more alluring with well-chosen clothes and the application of cosmetics, Caroline hid body, which, beneath her drab, shapeless clothing, was pleasingly lithe. He also remembered that, in bed, she opened up like a flower to his touch. After her hymen was breached and making love gave more pleasure than pain, she was a passionate lover. She reminded Nick of a gift wrapped in plain paper that doesn’t look promising, but turns out to be a favorite. He had warm feelings for her and would have liked to get together again, but whenever they ran into each other on campus, she smiled at him shyly and hurried on her way.

Nick had been celibate as a monk when he and Caroline crossed paths at Traven years later. He didn’t know they were attending the same university, and was as delighted as he was surprised to see her. She was happy to see him too, and they celebrated their reunion with an afternoon of exuberant lovemaking. Absorbed as they were in their studies and academic routines, a week passed before they saw each other again. Sitting at his desk, hunched over a copy of The General Theory of Employment, Interest, and Money, his knee rising and falling to the beat of record spinning on his turntable, Nick thought he heard a light tapping at his door, and when he opened it, she was standing there.

They fell into a routine of getting together once or twice a week, sometimes at his place, sometimes at hers, which established them as a couple. There were no vows, no professions of love, or discussions about their relationship. They sometimes took walks or went hiking, and Caroline would point out fungi, plants and insects and tell Nick fascinating facts about them. During these excursions, they also discussed their research in their respective fields. They both enjoyed getting glimpses of an area of study so far removed from their own, and found it useful and challenging to explain things to someone with no background in the subject area.

The bedrock of their relationship was their lovemaking. Nick didn’t miss the procession of different partners that used to fill his life. Caroline satisfied his lagging sexual appetite. As he perceived in their very first encounter, her plain appearance belied a passionate nature. Early on, he thought she would look quite stunning if she applied some cosmetics, did something with her hair, and got a new wardrobe. Soon, however, he realized she was beautiful just as she was, and that he liked how her superficial plainness masked her beauty. Like an extraordinary novel that browsers bypass without a moment’s hesitation because of its bland cover, Caroline’s beauty was overlooked because of her outer wrapping. Being the only one who appreciated her only made him adore her more.

Nick was a different person from the one he’d been as an undergraduate, jumping into bed with any girl who showed an interest in him. He’d settled down, matured, and finally understood what true love was. While they were too involved in their work to spend much time together, they were kind and generous to one another when they did get together. He assumed they would be together forever, and imagined the two of them, a couple of old scholars, wrinkled and withered, still in love with their books and with each other as they tottered toward the grave. Even if they saw less of each other than they did at first, that image of a lasting relationship remained in his mind.

Then Casey came along. He didn’t lust after Casey. He just wanted to be near her, to hear her voice, to see her face, to breathe the air she breathed, to talk to her about every topic under the sun. Her presence was like the sun, and he couldn’t exist without it shining its light on him. He didn’t know if what he felt was love, but it made him feel certain that what he had with Caroline wasn’t. That was warmth and pleasure and comfort and respect, but those feelings didn’t add up to love. Knowing that, he understood he had to break with Caroline, for her sake, as much as his. It would be dishonest not to. How could he pursue Casey while he was still attached to Caroline?

One night, after not seeing her for a while, he went to Caroline’s apartment and knocked on her door. He didn’t know what he would say to her, and as it turned out, he didn’t have to say anything. He staggered in and stood speechless. She looked at him, studied him carefully, and smiled.

“Did you come to say goodbye?” She placed her hand on his cheek.

It was more than Nick could bear. He put his arms around her, holding her like he would never let go. He had never loved her more. It must be how a sailor feels, he thought, setting out on a long voyage and looking back to shore as he sails off, seeing everything dear and familiar to him fading in the distance. She kept him with her that night, holding and soothing him. “Sweet boy,” she said. “Don’t look so sad. It’s the way of nature. Things are born, they grow, they mature and then fade out of existence.” No recrimination, no questions, no complaints. They parted gently, as friends. It was easier than he could have imagined, and harder than anything he’d ever done.

Note: This story is a modified excerpt from my novel The Best of Times.