Growing Pains: a story in four conversations
“You mean you didn’t think he was a jerk?”
“Not particularly.”
“I can’t believe it! How could you not think so?”
“You mean how could I not think exactly what you think? Why am I supposed to see everything the same way you do?”
“Well, we met the same person and we both saw how he behaved, so I figured we’d react the same way.”
“Well, we didn’t.”
“Obviously not, but I was wondering why. Anyhow what are you getting all mad about?”
“I’m not mad. It’s just that you’re always trying to make me see things through your eyes and get me to feel the same way about things that you do.”
“That’s what people do, isn’t it?”
“No, that’s what you do.”
“Look, it’s not important. I expressed my opinion about someone. Is that a crime?”
“It’s not your opinion that bothers me. It’s the way you try to foist it on me and pressure me to accept it as my own.”
“I wasn’t pressuring you. I just assumed we saw it the same way.”
“You didn’t assume, you presumed. You were being presumptuous and impinging on my independence. I have the right to my own opinions and ways of seeing things.”
“Of course you do. Listen, I’m sorry if that’s how it came off. I was was just making an observation. I didn’t think it was controversial. I thought I was stating the obvious and was surprised that you didn’t agree, that’s all.”
“That’s not all. You expressed disbelief that I disagreed with you and that’s a way of denigrating my opinion.”
“What did I . . . ?”
You rolled your eyes and said, ‘How could you not think so?’ as if your way of thinking is the only way.”
“I was surprised, that’s all, and curious. I wanted to know why you felt the way you did.”
“And change my opinion.”
“Well maybe. Or maybe you’d change mine. Discussing our different perceptions would help us sort it out and it make sense of it.”
“It makes perfect sense to me already. I have my opinion and you have yours. Why do you always try to browbeat me into agreeing with you?”
“Oh, come on. I wasn’t browbeating you.”
“Yes you were. You were trying to manipulate me into agreeing with you. You still are, even now. You’re making it sound like you’re all rational and I’m not and that I should come around to your way of thinking. You’re you and I’m me. Can’t you just accept that and not try to change how I think about things?”
“Okay, okay. Sorry. Let’s just drop it.”
***
“So you had a bit of a tiff with your sweetie?”
“Yeah. It seems that’s all we do anymore.”
“What was it about?”
“Nothing at all, really. That’s what’s so bizarre.”
“Must’ve been about something.”
“What happened is that we went out for drinks last night and we met this guy.”
“Did he come on to her.”
“No, but he was being a jerk and when we were walking back to the house I mentioned that I thought he was a jerk. She disagreed, which surprised the hell out of me because she usually thinks guys are acting like jerks even when they’re just being guys. But that’s not what we argued about. She started complaining about how I always try to change her opinions and make her think like I do.”
“Well, yeah, you do that.”
“Oh, c’mon, not you too. Be serious.”
“I am being serious. You always try to convince me about stuff. Aren’t you always saying that my political views are all wrong?”
“Well, yeah, because they are. You like being a contrarian and you know it. You intentionally say shit you don’t believe just to provoke me. You’re always playing devil’s advocate for the hell of it.”
“Did you ever stop and think that you’re the one who’s contrary? What makes you think I don’t believe the things I say?”
“Cause I know you and I know you’re smarter than that. I know you just like trying to get a rise out of me by saying outlandish shit.”
“You think anything you don’t agree with is outlandish. You see, that’s exactly what your girlfriend’s complaining about.”
“Bullshit. It’s normal to try to persuade people to your point of view when they disagree with you. Everyone does that all the time. That’s what language is for. I read that somewhere once and it makes sense – basically all writing and speech has one purpose – persuasion. Think about it.”
“It’s true for everything that comes out of your mouth, I’ll give you that.”
“Fuck you! I’m trying to tell you something serious.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m pretty sure something else is going on. She’s looking for pretexts to fight.”
“Why would she do that?”
“I don’t know. Maybe she doesn’t like me anymore. Maybe she wants to break up. We’ve just been having so many stupid little arguments lately about nothing at all. It didn’t used to be like that.”
“Growing pains. It’s what happens in relationships.”
“Growing apart pains, maybe.”
“Nah. You’re on a plateau for a while and everything is smooth. Then the relationship ramps up, you move to the next level, and it’s a little rocky, but that’s because you’re advancing.”
“Well, maybe but it doesn’t feel like we’re advancing. It feels the opposite, like we lost ground. The main reason we got together in the first place is because we seemed to be on the same wavelength. We saw things the same way and had a similar perspective. We never used to have fights about all this piddly little shit that doesn’t matter. I think she’s inventing disagreements to put a wedge between us. Now we argue all the time and it feels like we’re not really arguing about what we’re supposedly arguing about but about something else entirely. Our arguments are about something deeper than the disagreements that set them off.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. It feels like there’s a fundamental antipathy between us now. We used to agree about stuff. But it seems the more we get to know each other, the farther apart we drift. Maybe we don’t have much in common after all. Maybe we just thought we did.”
“Bah, you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. You don’t know that she’s upset about anything other than you trying to impose your opinions on her.”
“But I don’t. That’s what I’m telling you. I wasn’t trying to impose anything. I just stated my opinion and asked if she agreed.”
“Maybe she sees that as imposing. You don’t have to interrogate her about what she thinks.”
“You mean I can’t express my opinions around her? What’s the point of being together if we can’t share our feelings and say what we think?”
“You want to break with her?”
“No, I’m not saying that at all. That’s the last thing I want. I’m really stuck on her.”
“She is one foxy lady.”
“Yeah, she is, and she’s really smart and funny, too. That’s why it’s so shitty we’re at odds with each other. We should be pulling together, not going in opposite directions. A relationship is an alliance, a partnership, two people committed to supporting each other. If there’s no mutual support, what is there?”
“I think you’re blowing it out of proportion, man. Just be careful about what you say. Try to be a little less opinionated. You’ll see, it’ll all blow over.”
“Well, maybe, but I don’t know.”
***
“A full blown fight? Tell me all about it.”
“Nah, not full-blown. I’ll tell you what, though, sis, maybe that would have been better. Something with passion. As it was it was pretty bloodless. Just a lot of parrying back and forth.”
“What about?”
“Here’s what happened. We went out for drinks last night and some guy we didn’t know latched on to us. He was sitting at the next table. No big deal. We left after a little while and right away he proclaims the guy was a jerk and starts bullying me into agreeing with him.”
“Well, was he?”
“Was he what?”
“A jerk. Was the guy a jerk?”
“Oh yeah. Big time. Bigly. A total jerk.”
“So he was right?”
“Well, yeah, but just because he was right doesn’t mean he was . . . right.”
“You’re a stitch. So what happened?”
“Well, he was kind of pressing me to concur with his opinion.”
“But if you actually thought the guy was a jerk why didn’t you just say so?”
“It’s as if . . . sometimes I feel like he’s trying to extinguish me as a person and make me almost coalesce with him, become part of him. You know what I mean? He expects me to see everything the same way he sees it and have the same perceptions and opinions he does. It sucks the life out of me, makes me feel like a non-person. So sometimes, even when I agree with him, I pretend not to. Just to preserve myself.”
“Hmm, that must drive him nuts, but I get it. Does he try to get you to agree with him a lot?”
“Yeah! All the fucking time. You know, when we first met we were at the lake with a bunch of people and had these wrestling matches. I sat on his shoulders and we tried to knock down other couples paired up the same way.”
“Chicken fight?”
“Uh-huh. It was fun at the time, but when I think of it now it feels like a metaphor for our relationship where I’m just an extension of him instead of a distinct person.”
“I see. Do you want him to sit on your shoulders, metaphorically, that is?”
“No, I don’t think so. I just want us to be separate individuals. Two people in a relationship but not a unit. I want to be myself and not get subsumed into something else. But that’s exactly what he seems to expect, to demand.”
“Why do you suppose that is? I mean, why do you think he needs your agreement about everything?”
“I don’t know. It’s just the way he is, domineering.”
“Maybe he’s insecure.”
“Hmm. Could be, I suppose.”
“So maybe that’s the real issue. Maybe you don’t like his insecurity.”
“Well, I never thought of it that way. It’s an interesting twist. I was considering him to be too domineering but maybe it’s really his insecurity that bothers me. But in the end it’s the same thing. It doesn’t matter if he’s domineering, insecure, or domineering because he’s insecure. I don’t like it. I don’t like how it makes me feel.”
***
“Hey, pretty lady, I don’t usually see you around here by yourself.”
“Yeah, I don’t usually hit happy hour, but I felt like I needed it today.”
“That’s the way I feel every day.”
“Sorry to hear it.”
“It’s okay. You get to meet some interesting people here.”
“Do you?”
Yeah, you, for instance. And your boyfriend was here earlier.”
“Was he?”
“Uh-huh, we had a long talk.”
“What about?”
“This and that. He was telling me how much of a contrarian I was.”
“Really? Why’s that?”
“I guess because I don’t always agree with him.”
“And he doesn’t persuade you over to his way of seeing things?”
“Not a bit.”
“So do you persuade him over to your side?”
“Nope. Don’t even try.”
“Why not?”
“Why should I? Don’t matter to me what other people think. I got my own views. I don’t need his approval.”
“You’re the independent type, huh?”
“Only way to be.”
“I like your attitude.”
“Well, there’s a lot I like about you too. Can I get you another drink?”
“Sure, why not?”
End
© 2018 Mark Feder